Monday, September 8, 2008

Tangentiality of Lfie!

Being right doesn't necessarily mean being happy!

I've always thought this one applies in love affairs but the truth is, you can observed it anywhere in life.

Recently I had a verbal argument with my oldest brother the last time he went here. You see he's just married for a couple of months and is living a couple of blocks away from our home. The marriage wasn't exactly the plan at first upon learning his girlfriend was pregnant but due to insistent demand by the other side he gave in to their request and we, the groom's family had no choice but to just support him. So there the marriage was consummated and we all adjusted to it.

However there was still a glitch in the relationship we have as brothers or rather as family for I never got pass the feeling that he left us when we really thought he was the only one who could help us. Still, with this feeling inside I still decided to go with the flow and be civil to him and to his wife. I simply accepted the fact that he would never again really be there at all times for our sake but just in emergencies.

So months passed and we were dealing with our own lives. i was busy for the board exam and my the rest of the family had their lives to deal with but we still live together except for him. He would visit from time to time but I simply notice that at most times he visited he would ask for something from us. My parents at first were obliging thinking that newly weds really need help and my older brother was still their son. However, it seems as thought it has been happening frequently than usual and my parents were already saying their dislike of the situation but only with us and not with him.

Problem was staying quiet wasn't really my strong trait so when I see or feel something was wrong I do ways to let the person know. Sometimes even direct but tactful and matter-of-fact.

So the last time he visited my mother was telling him how she feels about the way he comes home and asks for favor. The matter with my mom is that however she feels bad about what's happening she just couldn't tell my brother straight in the face for she doesn't want him getting hurt or anything like that.

That was where I came in their conversation and simply blurted out the real message my mom was saying in the right intensity as it should be. You see i was in the kitchen that time and couldn't help but hear his lame excuses again as to why he's so inadequate with treating my parents.

So what happened was the expected, he jolted out of the house telling me how petty I was and how I shouldn't be interfering with things like those. i mean, what am i supposed to do? just sit down and listen to their conversation that doesn't really lead to nowhere but him getting out again with his lame and pathetic excuses?

i simply he wish he could be truthful to us the least. We are, in fact, still his family and who better to accept him with his inadequacies but us? But no, he would still insist in pursuing the "macho" and "I'm so independent image" that he would just make up stupid excuses thinking that no one will dare defy him.

The truth is, i felt bad with what happened but couldn't contain my emotions and I feel that what should be done should be done. He needs a reality check and no one is going to slap him in the face with it but me.

I miss my brother then. I don't know who he is now. He just shows up every now and then and talks to us superficially. He doesn't dare tell me anything for he doesn't trust me and thinks I'm just going to say something bad about him but when things like this happen he expects us to understand him as always.

I've always thought sometime somehow he would be bumped in the head and realize that what we're asking from him is not just money or privileges and the sort but just to be an older brother again. One we can talk to without no pretentions. One we can feel secured that somehow someway we could rely onto. I thought that epiphany would happen when he got to college. Then I thought it would be when he work. Then again when he got married and almost had a baby. But now, I simply thought we lost him. just like that, A person you had most of your life is there but not actually there.

So you see, I don't really think I'm always right nor am I ideal. I had my share of mishaps too and mistakes but I turn them honestly to my family. I don't feel good at all with being right most of the time but I feel i just wanted what's proper and should be for my parents and my siblings. i wish someone would see the difference in that. I wish my brother could see that.

Well, maybe that's just life. I can't think of anything to say to properly address what I really feel inside but I hope these words might transcend them to those who can understand.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Choosing between love and your dreams...

I had this suitor from one of this websites and I met him and we had two dates to be exact. He wasn't that much good looking but I did find his enthusiasm with me rather endearing. So within a few weeks he was already in my system yet we were not still together because I'm still trying to know if I could be with him.

So yesterday, it was a Sunday, I went to the gym and when I got out he was there along the plaze right in front of the gym. He told me he was texting me telling me that he was within my village's vicinity. So with after a few talks he strode with me towards the bakeshop, had a couple of short snacks and then I told him I had to go because I had to go to church. He asked me if he could go with me but I resented but he still insisted on the deal that he would not approach me for I was with my sister.

Trouble came when it started to rain hard and I texted him telling him I wouldn't be able to go anymore because it was raining cats and dogs outside. A few minutes passed and i texted him again telling him I would be able to go already.

Unfortunately, he was on his way home so I thought that's okay. I started exchanging text messages with him telling him how sorry I was to have led him to wait for me at the church. An hour passed and he had this message for me:

" There was no electricity in our house tonight I sent you some mobile load why aren't you still texting?"

Then there was this other message again that followed:

"Sorry baby that message was not for you, I just had the mistake of forwarding that to you because you know how much I miss you"

I thought to myself, "Is this guy trying to fetch more guys other than me?"

So what I did was tried to contemplate and within a few hours of thinking I decided to cancel the date we're suppose to have this week and also told him to not contact me anymore.

He's been trying to call since trying to explain his side.

I answered one of his calls just to make the separation more formal. I mean with all the efforts he'd push through he deserves that.

His explanation? He said that the guy he's referring to was someone he had met who was according to him "straight" but decided to give him his number. So what he did was send him some electronic load for his mobile phone but he's still not courting that guy. He's just texting him.

Of course, what else would be my response? I shut him off from his call and just told him to stay away from me already and just move on. I mean what kind of lousy explanation was that?
Could you possibly expect me to believe that it was a rational and acceptable excuse? Come on. You have got to be kidding me.

Anyway, due to that I simply reminded myself of my past relationships and how it didn't work. I now decided to focus on the upcoming board examinations for my license and just think something good will come out from it. Well, that's a lot better than being stuck with a suitor with a lame excuse like that. Wish me luck guys!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Brains or Body?

This past weeks I've been going to the gym just to get buffed up. You see I'm not really the muscular type. Actually I'm more of the skinny type so to boost my self-esteem I decided to do something about it and then hit the gym.

A few weeks have passed and I did notice the changes that were happening to my body and I was happy about it. Some of my friends actually notice it too. Unfortunately for me a week ago I started having stomach cramps so I went to see a doctor. The physician said that I might have amoebiasis and I need to stop eating gas forming and stomach irritating foods. If you actually think about it, that's almost every food I know. So from then on with the diet I have the weight that I gained from exercising in the gym and eating much to buff up suddenly went to it's original size and I feel somewhat low again.

I really feel that I wasted a lot of effort and time into doing this and then suddenly just one medical condition would bring me back to square one. Well, now instead of hitting the gym I just simply put my thoughts here. Funny huh?
I just thought to myself that maybe it isn't the proper time yet to get the body that I wanted. That's because just a few days from now I'll really stop going to the gym because I have to move to somewhere else just to get prep up for my licensure examination.

I just really hope something really good would turn out of this situation because if not then that would be a real disappointment for me.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

TRIBUTE TO A SEAMAN! (read this!)

You know the old man I was taking care of guys? Well, he recently passed away just yesterday morning at around 4:44 am.

I was the one who was with him from he's entry to the ICU until his last heartbeat. I was also the one to inform his family including all his children abroad.

Those two nights in the ICU were actually the hardest part of my work. I didn't sleep and was just checking on him from time manually taking his vital signs just to make sure the machines attached to him weren't lying.I was also the last one to talk to him to send his family's regards and final message. It was as if I'm already a part of their family and was saying my last message for him.

When we had our last ECG reading on him and saw that it was already a flat line (meaning there's no more heartbeat) I was just numb. I was indifferent. I couldn't cry nor lament immediately. I assisted in post-mortem care and his last cleaning to make sure he looks well even in his current state. I wanted his family to see that he had the best care we could provide and that he was loved more than the usual amount a paid nurse could give.

I assisted in bringing him to the morgue and also in settling the paperworks for him to be released in the hospital we're in. I even went back to his house to clean and organize all his medical belongings and those that could still be use.

His wife welcomed me telling me how sorry she was she could not go when he gave his final breath because she could not bear to see her husband like that. I know she was telling the truth and just hug her to give my deepest condolences for tatay.

It was when I went back to the house that I cried upon seeing his empty bed thinking how recently he was just there responding to our talks even by just winking his eyes or moving his tounge.

I could not have been anymore thankful to him and his family for letting my friend Krsytel and I take care of him even in his dying days. They made us feel comfortable to work and respected our decisions regarding his medical care.

To Sir Jorge de Guzman and his family I could not have express my deepest gratitude for the trust, confidence and love you've shown to us. It is only by publishing this blog and telling as much people as I can of your generosity and kindness that I could somehow giveback what you gave us.



To all his family, relatives, friends and acquaintances Mr. Jorge DE Guzman's wake is at their house at Brgy. Pook, Don Jose Zaball Subdivision Sta. Rosa Laguna.
Till next time guys, hope you read this blog!